Ho, Ho, Ho! ‘Tis the season to seize fake glory. After last week’s nailbiting, edge of the seat semifinals the 2011 Gulfman League title will be decided on of all observances, Christmas weekend. For one lucky owner, they’ll be receiving something a little extra in their stockings this year besides deodorant and Valtrex. I’m talking cash-money, payola, coin, dough, bread, greenbacks, cheddar, flow, loot, paper and last but not least, jack.
As correctly predicted by THIS GUY, the Lame Excuses concluded their late season swoon by falling to those pesky Negotiators, who managed to overcome yet another of their lineup blunders to advance to the championship game. Marion Barber over Michael Bush? I’ll take Bush over a guy with a girl name every time, if you catch my meaning.
My upset special failed to come though. The number one seed Hartstoppers vanquished the Lardasses by a measly two-tenths of a point. I’m fairly certain Indiana be kicking demselves for not starting Ahmad Bradshaw, yo. But like I penned last week, the fact that they even qualified for the playoffs was a minor miracle. Or maybe it was awesome team management? Nah, I’m sticking to miracle.
Anywho, we’re down to two. Which Gulfman League franchise will take the strap and which one will crawl away with a shitty second-place check? I have the answers.
Behold, a championship prediction!
#1 Hartstoppers vs. #3 Negotiators
Wait a second, the team with the best record and the one that scored the most points reached the Big Game? That almost never happens. I blame the lockout. Why? Because there’s no way to quantify that it’s not the reason. It’s like Cube said, “Life ain’t nothin’ but bitches and money.” I have no idea what that quote has to do with the topic at hand, but I felt compelled to include it for some reason.
I digress. The Stoppers backfield of Sproles and Spiller clocked 45.9 points last week. Can they do it again? Sure, why the fuck not? Buyer Beware, though: last time Sproles played the ATL he scored 0.3. Jeremy Maclin doesn’t have a great history versus Dallas, but he’s overdue for a monster effort. Oh, and guess what Jermichael Finley did the last time he faced the Bears? Scored three touchdowns. Methinks the schizophrenic Vinnie Jackson will have a nice day in a points o’ plenty showdown with the once cowardly Lions.
I’m going to assume the Dealmakers will do the smart thing and start Michael Bush — seeing he has OWNED the Chiefs during his career — and leave the mentally and physically challenged Marion Barber on the pine. Of course, predicting what they might do is an exercise in stupidity. Hey, they made it this far, so who am I to punch holes in their logic? The schedule is kind this week as Arian Foster draws the hapless Colts, who have surrendered 18 scores on the ground. Steve Smith and Julio Jones flopped in their first meetings with Tampa and New Orleans respectively, but I’m liking both to rebound. And footie extraordinaire David Akers racked 15 points the last time he played Seattle.
This has the makings of a doozy finale. And the beauty of it is we’ll have to wait until the Monday nighter is finished to crown a winner. Wunderbar!
As was the case a week ago, Aaron and Arian will be too much to handle.
And then there were four. After weeks of sweating lineup decisions, overpaying for free agents and reading my brilliant recaps (wink, wink), the 2011 Gulfman League fantasy football season comes down to a pair of semifinals and a championship. Before I put on my fearless forecaster cap and predict this weekend’s winners and losers, let’s take a looksee how each of our Final Four combatants reached this point.
Greenville Hartstoppers (11-3) – Finished with the best record despite losing first-round pick Jamaal Charles to a torn ACL in Week 2. Shrewdly snatched Cam Newton off the scrap heap, then promptly traded him for Fred Jackson to replace the fallen Charles. Was able to make the move because they wisely waited until the 8th round to draft quarterback Matthew Stafford, who finished sixth in total points. Stole Darren Sproles in the 13th round. Overcame injuries to Jeremy Maclin and Jackson.
Lame Excuses (9-5) – Raced out to an 8-1 record after engineering a fantastic draft that included Matt Forte in the 3rd, Jimmy Graham in the 6th, A.J. Green in the 8th, SeaBass in the 11th and Ryan Fitzpatrick in the 14th. If only they hadn’t wasted a fourth-rounder on Peyton Manning’s fused neck. Oh, what could’ve been. Survived injuries to Adrian Peterson and Matt Forte, but face the possibility of having neither fully healthy for the semifinals. Lost the total points title by six.
The Negotiators (8-6) – Started 1-3, but won five of their last six to earn a postseason berth and win the points title. Blew 4th and 5th round picks on Chad Johnson and Mark Ingram respectively, but made up for it by stealing Steve Smith in the 7th and Antonio Brown in the 11th. Dropped Antonio Gates the week before he returned, which was dumb. Drafted Michael Bush in the 9th anticipating the inevitable Darren McSofty injury, which was smart. Owns the hottest and healthiest roster entering the playoffs.
Indiana Obesities (8-6) – Lost five of their last six and finished seventh in total points. Their first seven draft picks were either injured or busts. So, how the hell did they qualify for the postseason? Two words: Cam Newton. The remarkable rookie finished number one in scoring and offset an otherwise mediocre roster. None of their runners and receivers rank in the Top 10. The outlook isn’t great, but all it takes is one or two monster performances to advance.
Behold, playoff predictions!
#1 Hartstoppers vs. #4 Obesities
Can a team win a championship with a starting backfield of Darren Sproles and C.J. Spiller? I sincerely hope not, but we’re about to find out. Both runners face Top 10 run defenses: Spiller draws the third ranked Dolphins who held Shady McCoy to 38 yards on 27 carries last week, while Sproles gets the tenth ranked Vikings. Jeremy Maclin is back, but he could be spending his Sunday visiting Revis Island. The schizophrenic Vinnie Jackson needs to come up large versus a tough Ravens secondary, as does Matt Stafford against a vulnerable Raiders defense.
The Lardasses face some difficult lineup decisions. Do they risk Mendenhall versus a Niners rush defense that yields 70 yards per game and has yet to be scored on? What about Ahmad Bradshaw against the ‘Skins? The human bruise Chris Wells has a beautiful matchup with the Browns 30th ranked run D, but he’s hardly reliable. Stevie Johnson had his worst game of the season last time he played Miami and the resurgent Roddy White draws the stingy Jaguars. Looks like Cam will have to be the man, again.
This has ugly written all over it. Methinks the Texans defense will lay an egg after clinching their first ever division title and Bean Wells will run wild on the Brownies. Number one seed goes down.
Indiana 85.6, Greenville 73.2
#2 Lame Excuses vs. #3 Negotiators
It appears Adrian Peterson will be back for the Lame ones. That’s the good news. The bad news is the Vikings will probably get destroyed by Drew Brees and Co., which could limit AP’s touches. Do they roll with a gimpy Jimmy Graham or a healthy Marques Colston? Can J-Stew find any running room against Houston’s third ranked rush defense? Will Mike Wallace regain he early season form? Can A.J. Green exploit a Rams secondary that has been burned for 19 touchdowns? Here are your answers: Graham, no, no, yes.
The Dealmakers enter the fray piping hot. Aaron Rodgers is, well, Aaron Rodgers and the woeful Chiefs will learn that on Sunday. Arian Foster beats up on bad defenses and the Panthers have one of the worst. Ndamokung Sue returns for the Lions, but I’m not sure he’ll be enough to slow down Michael Bush, who seems to produce no matter what the scoreboard says. Antonio Brown is ballin’, Julio Jones is shreddin’ and footie David Akers hasn’t netted fewer than 9 points since Week 8. In other words, this team is stacked.
Barring a monster AP performance, I can’t envision the Excuses notching a W. They’ll put up a fight, but Aaron and Arian are too much to conquer.
Early December blues swept across Week 13 of the 2011 NFL season like the Santa Ana winds tearing up a Bakersfield trailer park. The wounded Bears inched closer to early hibernation, the high-flying Patriots struggled to dispose of the calamitous Colts, the Falcons and Cowboys solidified their fraud status and Quarterback Jesus proved once again that unique skill and proper mechanics aren’t required when the great Lord above is on your side. Praise his name. And I mean Tebow’s.
More significant to our concerns, a key fantasy stalwart was struck down by injury, an injury that will no doubt impact which Gulfman League franchise captures fake glory three short weeks from now. Of course I’m speaking of Matt Forte, whose first quarter MCL sprain not only cost the Lame Excuses a victory, but quite possibly ended their dream of being anointed 2011 champions. Will the Fantasy Gods ever offer shelter from their abject cruelty? Alas, it seems not.
In other pressing league news, two of the four playoff spots have been secured by those injury plagued Excuses and the Carolina Division champion Hartstoppers. The rest of the playoff picture is a quagmire of six teams, all of whom have a shot to squeak in, depending on the Week 14 results. I will now attempt (feebly) to clear up this BP oil spill.
Obesities (8-5) – Beat the Steelcats and they are in. Easy enough. If they lose and the Negotiators and Rex both win, it comes down to total points, which doesn’t favor them. They can also lose and still get in. It’s complicated. Just win baby. Do it for Al Davis.
Negotiators (7-6) – Drop the Manah and hope Rex loses. Or drop the Manah and hope Indiana loses. Or lose to the Manah and hope everyone else follows suit and pray they win the points race. I’m confusing myself.
Rex (7-6) – They can win and still not get in if both Indiana and the Dealmakers notch Ws. Their best bet is to win and score a shit-ton of points. I think…
Monkeys (6-7) – They gotta be kicking themselves for not starting Shady McCoy. I won’t speculate as to why they sat the best fantasy running back in all the land. I’m sure there is a reasonable explanation. Nevertheless, they can still get in by beating me (no worries there) and having Rex and the Negotiators both lose. Then total points will be the ultimate decider. I need a shot… of battery acid.
Beasts and Talkers (both 6-7) – Win, score an assload of points and cross their fingers and toes everyone else falls. Let’s just say the chances are remote and be done with it. Man, I picked the wrong day to stop freebasing.
Everyone else is donezo. Sorry, so sorry.
Trendspotting
Behold, bullet points!
Cam Newton leads the NFL in rushing touchdowns with 13. Much to the chagrin of J-Stew and D-Wil, who have combined for six rushing scores.
Wave goodbye to Dan Marino’s single-season passing record. Drew Brees needs to average 265 yards in the final four games to break it. His lowest total thus far is 258 yards.
Maurice Jones-Drew’s 24.8 points on Monday night was his highest total of the season and first 20-plus game.
Chrissy Johnson scored 47 points in the last two games. He scored 47.1 points in the first six games.
Shonn Greene scored three touchdowns on Sunday. He had scored six career touchdowns entering the game.
Steve Smith netted 29.8 points in Week 1. He hasn’t scored more than 18.1 points since then.
Mike Wallace hasn’t topped 70 yards since Week 7. Victor Cruz hasn’t been below 70 yards since Week 6.
Pierre Garcon has three games of 24-plus points. In his other ten games, he has scored a total of 40.4 points.
Rob Gronkowski has five games of 20-plus points. Jimmy Graham and Tony Gonzalez have one each. Jason Witten and Vernon Davis have none.
Jermichael Finley hasn’t recorded a 100-yard game since Week 3 of the 2010 season.
Now is the time at Stud Running Back when we exploit chicks for being hot and/or slutty. It’s childish and boorish and totally sends the wrong message to impressionable young girls, which is precisely why we do it..
The Poppy Montgomery Wonders of the Week
Savage Animal (91.1 points) – Look at poppy up there. Even she’s impressed by her awesome ass. As well she should be. Poppy hails from Australia, which reminds me of a story that may or may not have occurred while I was matriculating at college lo these many years ago. I may or may not have attended a party on the Cornell campus, and may or may not have witnessed a scene involving two extremely hot Australian exchange students, who may or may not have been highly intoxicated, who may or may not have thoroughly explored each other’s nude, tanned bodies. This may or may not have later become known as the “Scissor incident.” Allegedly.
Due to my brilliant decision to start Tim Tebow and Roy Helu, I slew the mighty dragon known as the Lame Excuses. In a season of monumental blunders, it is without question my greatest achievement. It’s this kind of savvy coaching that separates the geniuses from the saps. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? The only reason I won was because AP was out and Forte went down in the first quarter. My team sucks. I suck. When is the 2012 draft?
The Christina Aguilera Disasters of the Week
Blind Monkeys (73.5 points) – The Oompa Loompa on the left and the gorgeous creature on the right are one in the same. The last few years have been unkind to one-time pop princess Christina Aguilera. A baby, a divorce and 3000 Krispy Kreme donuts does a body bad. She’s only 30, so there’s plenty of time to go on a diet, hire a personal trainer, do an exclusive interview with Entertainment Tonight about her new and improved physique, embark on a world tour and appear in a tastefully photographed Playboy spread. Hollywood loves a good comeback.
Should the Groping Simians miss the playoffs, they will look back to this week as the root cause. I’ve already covered the whole Shady McCoy debacle, so no need to pummel that into the ground. Putting too many eggs in the Dallas Cowboys basket is becoming problematic. Rookie DeMarco Murray appears to be running out of gas and the Laurent Robinson/Dez Bryant start-or-sit debate is about to get more maddening with the return of Miles Austin. On a positive note, Hakeem Nicks looked terrific against the Packers.
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Cheerio to Week 13. The regular season is kaput. Where did the time go?
Due to an impromptu sojourn to the tropics, there will be no fantasy recap this week. I’d pass the duties along to my unpaid illegal intern, Juan Carlos, but a) he doesn’t speak English, and b) is busy cataloging my extensive collection of 1920s era pornography.
Fear not faithful readers, I shall return bright-eyed and sunburned to review the Week 13 festivities. In the meantime, here’s a video of Nic Cage overacting. Aloha.
Fasten your seatbelts, folks. Things in the Gulfman League are about to get very interesting. A couple of weeks ago it looked like the Lame Excuses were a shoe in to at the very least reach the championship game. Three consecutive losses and an injury to Adrian Peterson later has them staring at the possibility of not even qualifying for the playoffs. Whoa.
Making matters worse for the Hackneyed Alibis, the surging Monkeys and Negotiators have closed the gap in the points race, which could prove vital if tiebreakers come into play. Wait, it gets better. The Lame ones might be without AP and AJ for their Week 12 throwdown with those surging Monkeys. Uh, oh.
We could be looking at a late season collapse that would do the Clemson Tigers proud. A fantasy fiasco of epic proportions. A bountiful bungling that would make even Norv Turner cringe. However, the Poor Explanations can take solace in the fact they aren’t the only Gulfman League franchise teetering on the brink.
The Hoosier State Heffers have also dropped three in a row and panic appears to be setting in. The decision to dump the disappointing Mike Williams in favor of David Nelson proved disastrous after Williams posted his best outing of the season and Nelson dropped a big fat goose egg. Equally curious was the choice to bench Cam Newton is favor of the littlest Manning. Camtastic scored 33.7, while Eli mustered a lousy 16.2. If they had kept Tampa Mike and started Newton, they would’ve beaten the Hartstoppers and been tied atop the Carolina Division. Instead they’re two games back with a handful of teams nipping at their cankles. Oops.
What seemed like a laugher of a fantasy season has suddenly turned competitive. Even the dregs (me) of the league are still clinging to miniscule playoff aspirations. So, open up those waiver wire checkbooks and overpay for Kevin Smith and Riley Cooper because they might be the difference between achieving fake glory and getting arrested for domestic violence.
Trendspotting
Behold, bullet points!
Aaron Rodgers worst performance this season is 22.7 points. Matt Ryan’s best performance is 24.4 points.
Quarterback A has 74.2 points in the last four games. Quarterback B has 59.2 points. Quarterback A is Andy Dalton. Quarterback B is Ryan Fitzpatrick. (Go gingers!)
Kevin Smith totaled 38.1 points on Sunday. Ryan Mathews has totaled 41.7 points during the last seven weeks.
Running back A has scored 66.3 points in the last four games. Running back B has scored 49.6 points. Running back A is Marshawn Lynch. Running back B is Fred Jackson.
Jordy Nelson racked 24.3 points on Sunday. Greg Jennings has racked 20.4 points during the last three weeks.
Vinnie Jackson has netted over 16 points four times. In his other six games, he has netted 21.5 points combined. (DeSean Jackson approves.)
Brandon Marshall has scored five touchdowns during the last two seasons. Giants first-year receiver Victor Cruz has scored five touchdowns in nine games.
Rob Gronkowski has posted multiple touchdowns six times in 26 games. Jason Witten has posted multiple touchdowns two times in 137 games.
Tony Scheffler has scored five touchdowns, but has yet to eclipse 10 points in any game.
Now is the time at Stud Running Back when we exploit chicks for being hot and/or slutty. It’s childish and boorish and totally sends the wrong message to impressionable young girls, which is precisely why we do it.
The Destiny Newton Wonders of the Week
Greenville Hartstoppers (94.5 points) – Who is Destiny Newton? Allegedly, she’s Aaron Rodgers girlfriend. SRB insiders tell me Rodgers began dating banging this buxom beauty after winning the Super Bowl in February. Chicks dig Vince Lombardi trophies… and quarterbacks who earn millions. Rumor has it Destiny used to be Rodgers childhood sweety and the duo met at church camp nine years ago. Methinks there was a whole lot of sinnin’ goin’ on at this so-called church camp. When your name is Destiny and you look like that, singing “This Little Light of Mine” takes a back seat to smoking, drinking and @#%$^*&.
By virtue of their win, the Stoppers now own the best record in Gulfman League. They are also 7-0 in the Carolina Division. Barring a Buffalo Bills-esque faceplant, they should be participating in the postseason. However, all that glitters is not gold. Injuries to Fred Jackson and Jeremy Maclin are cause for concern and Vinnie Jackson’s maddening inconsistency could spell doom down the road. Ponying up some serious bucks for the aforementioned Kevin Smith is a move that must be considered.
The Olivia Symcox Disasters of the Week
Savage Animal (62.6 points) – Olivia isn’t being singled out for being ugly. On the contrary, she’s quite fetching for a conservationist. No, she’s in the barrel this week for raising human stupidity to impressive new heights. Ya see, Ms. Symcox volunteered to swim with a pack of hungry reef sharks off the coast of South Africa. Why, you ask? TO SEE IF SHARKS ARE PREDISPOSED TO SNACK ON EXPOSED HUMAN SKIN. Lest you think I’m fibbing, watch and learn:
This is the equivalent of an eligible bachelor being locked in a room full of girls with severe daddy issues. There will be blood.
As you are well aware, I’ve been playing fantasy football lo these many years. As such, it’s been quite some time since I’ve owned a team as shitty as Savage Animal circa 2011. To think I was 2-0 at one point. I have not a clue what form of meth I was inhaling on draft night. Darren McSofty in the second? Felix Fucking Jones in the third? Santonio “My Quarterback is a Waterhead” Holmes in the fourth? I should be drawn and quartered. The one guy I loved on my whole pathetic roster was DeMarco Murray. What do I do? Dump him hours before Felix suffered his annual 4-6 week ailment. Rats! I’ve been sucking for Luck ever since. Oh well. My other two phony teams are 9-2 and 8-3 (due in part to DeMarco Murray), so all is not lost.
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Au revoir to Week 11. Before I vacate the premises, here’s a Thanksgiving inspired parting shot. If your fantasy team blows, things could be worse. You could be Neal Page from Planes, Trains and Automobiles.
Week 10 was a strange one for quarterbacks. A spate of nasty injuries and dreadful performances cost many a fantasy owner victories. Oh sure, Rodgers, Brees and Brady were their normal awesome selves, but Tyler Palko, Vince Young and Matt Leinart sightings won’t exactly instill confidence in anyone hoping to make the fake playoffs.
Then again, when John Skelton throws for 315 yards and three touchdowns, and Quarterback Jesus completes 2 of 8 passes but still outscores 18 other starters, it’s painfully clear we’ve reached the nexus of fantasy football weirdness in regards to signal-callers.
Cam Newton was finally held without a touchdown, Big Ben and Matt Stafford suffered broken fingers and Ryan Fitzpatrick posted his sixth consecutive sub 20-point outing. Matt Schaub and Matt Cassel are reportedly done for the year, Mike Vick got his ribs snapped and Matt Flynn scored just as many points in mop-up duty as two Colts quarterbacks and Jay Cutler did in four quarters.
Carson Palmer returned to relevance, Rex Grossman sucked (again) and Eli Manning reaffirmed his status as fantasy’s most unappreciated quarterback, especially in leagues like ours that don’t penalize for turnovers.
You don’t need an elite super-stud under center to win a phony title, but you do need someone reliable. The Lame Excuses are still the team to beat in Gulfman, but if they do stumble, Hahvad man’s sudden swoon will probably be the main culprit. (However, if they do capture the prize, look no further than their trio of Top 10 pass catchers as the reason, which of course supports my theory that receivers are the key to fantasy championships.)
Trendspotting
Behold, bullet points!
Quarterback A has scored 73,4 points in his last four games. Quarterback B has scored 81.1 points in his last four games. Quarterback A is Mike Vick. Quarterback B is Tim Tebow.
Mark Sanchez has three rushing touchdowns. Shonn Greene and LT have combined for three rushing touchdowns.
Arian Foster has 121.4 points in the last five weeks. Ray Rice has 76.
A week after praising Darren Sproles for being awesome, he promptly went out and netted 0.3 points. I blame myself.
It took ten weeks, but Calvin Johnson was finally held under double-digits. Much to my chagrin.
Jordy Nelson ranks seventh in wide receiver scoring. He hasn’t caught more than five passes since Week 1.
Victor Cruz, not Hakeem Nicks or Mario Manningham, is the Giants leading receiver. No wonder they let Steve Smith go.
Jimmy Graham and Rob Gronkowski have combined for 14 touchdowns and seven 100-yard games. Jermichael Finley and Jason Witten have combined for 9 touchdowns and two 100-yard games.
Now is the time at Stud Running Back when we exploit chicks for being hot and/or slutty. It’s childish and boorish and totally sends the wrong message to impressionable young girls, which is precisely why we do it.
The Genevieve Morton Wonders of the Week
Lordosis Rex (106.5 points) – There’s something really alluring about Genevieve, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. It could be that she’s an excellent parallel-parker. Maybe it has something to do with her dislike of canned chicken. Or it might be that she enjoys singing made-up songs after a good night’s sleep. It’s possible I’m hypnotized by her perfect 34C natural breasts, but I’m too classy and sophisticated to be distracted by such superficial characteristics. No, I think it has more to do with her glowing personality and biting sense of humor.
I wrote the following about the then 1-3 Rex in my first-quarter grades post:
Things might appear bleak now, but don’t be shocked if this star-studded team reels off three or four wins and enters the playoff picture. You heard it here first.
Since then they have gone 4-2 and are tied for the fourth and final playoff spot. Not only did they humiliate the Hartstoppers in Week 10, but more importantly Chrissy Johnson woke the fuck up and played like a professional running back awarded a $53 million contract. With favorable matchups against Tampa, Buffalo, New Orleans and Indy upcoming, CJ has a golden opportunity to redeem himself. Look out bitches, ’cause the defending champs (really?) are making their move at the right time.
The Britney Spears Disasters of the Week
Greenville Harstoppers (47.8 points) – When did Britney Spears start looking like Packers linebacker Clay Matthews? Geesh, maybe the Titans should sign her to lead block for Chrissy Johnson. Considering she made it out of the 2000s without overdosing and survived a marriage to K-Fed, I’d say she’s held up okay. Better to be a tad chunky than an emaciated beanpole. That being said, I prefer to remember her as an unblemished 17-year-old with pigtails waiting for the school bell to ring.
The Stoppers went from the presidential suite at the Ritz-Carlton to a single at a Days Inn with a view of the dumpsters in the span of a week. Knocking off the mighty Lame Excuses must seem like a distant memory after shitting the mattress to the embarrassing tune of 47.8 points. Vinnie Jackson reentered witness protection and Jeremy Maclin suffered not one, but two injuries that forced him from Sunday’s action. And I’ve already covered Sproles’ sad sack of a game. A titanic tilt for control of the Carolina Division awaits when they face-off with the Obesities in Week 11. Lucky for them Frank Gore is dinged, so more carries for bye week replacement Kendall Hunter is likely.
Week 9 belonged to the bozos. Several unheralded fantasy players found paydirt and nearly a dozen footies netted nine points or more. There’s nothing more frustrating than watching some clown-shoed dolt spill into the end zone while your stud runner or receiver is standing on the sidelines.
When Matt Moore outscores Drew Brees, there’s a problem. When Marshawn Lynch and Reggie Bush outperform LeSean McCoy and Ray Rice, there’s a problem. When Anthony Fasano racks twice as many points as Jimmy Graham, there’s a problem.
So, if you lost this week, blame the following assholes: Marcel Reese, John Conner, Marion Barber, Earl Bennett, Lavelle Hawkins, Jacoby Ford, Josh Cribbs, Jabar Gaffney, Laurent Robinson, Eddie Royal, Andre Caldwell, Jerome Simpson, Jake Ballard, Matt Spaeth and Colin Cochart — none of whom graced Gulfman League lineups.
I think Butch and Sundance said it best:
On the bright side, Vinnie Jackson and Phil Rivers finally awakened from their slumbers, which contributed greatly to the Hartstoppers and Steelcats notching victories. Speaking of the Stoppers, they earned a round of applause for bouncing the mighty Lame Excuses from the ranks of the unbeaten. Needless to say, Adrian Peterson’s bye came at a bad time for the New York Division leaders.
As for those dreaded byes, there isn’t one in Week 10, but there is a Thursday night game. Adjust accordingly.
Trendspotting
Behold, bullet points!
Drew Brees has an outside chance to throw for 6,000 yards. He’ll need a couple of monster games, but the fact that it’s even a possibility is mind-boggling.
Ryan Fitzpatrick hasn’t scored over 20 points since Week 3. Aaron Rodgers hasn’t scored less than 22 points all season.
The Lions signed Kevin Smith yesterday. The same Kevin Smith who hasn’t played since October of 2010. This doesn’t bode well for Jahvid Best’s future.
Reggie Bush has 32.2 points the last two games. He scored 38.9 points during the first six games.
Darren Sproles has recorded 109.3 points on 105 touches. To put that in perspective, Maurice Jones-Drew has 100.6 points on 178 touches. For all you math dropouts, it’s almost unheard of for a running back to average over a point per touch.
Jordy Nelson is ranked ninth among wide receivers. Ahead of Larry Fitzgerald, Brandon Marshall, Anquan Boldin, Hakeem Nicks, DeSean Jackson and Roddy White.
Wide receiver A has totaled 33.8 points in the last three games. Wide receiver B has totaled 9.6 points in the last three games. Wide receiver A is Antonio Brown. Wide receiver B is Miles Austin.
Jake Ballard has averaged 9.7 points since Week 4. Tony Gonzalez has averaged 7.6 points since Week 4.
Aaron Hernandez and Rob Gronkowski have combined to score 11 touchdowns.
Now is the time at Stud Running Back when we exploit chicks for being hot and/or slutty. It’s childish and boorish and totally sends the wrong message to impressionable young girls, which is precisely why we do it.
The Kate Upton Wonders of the Week
Syracuse ManahManah (105.5 points) – I’ve never been a big believer in reincarnation. The whole idea of coming back as a dung beetle, ring-tailed lemur, begonia plant or some baby named Steve always struck me as silly. Besides, I don’t want to suffer a crisis of conscience every time I bludgeon a fly with a rolled-up issue of Swank. I mean, what if that fly was Paul Newman in another life? I’d feel terrible for crushing Paul Newman’s reincarnated soul. The guy was an Oscar winner for Pete’s sake. All that said, if I were to be reincarnated as anything I’d want it to be a starfish living in the vicinity of a Sports Illustrated swimsuit shoot with Kate Upton. Imagine the stories.
Starfish Ted: “Hey Phil, what you do today?”
Starfish Phil: “I spent the afternoon sucking on a swimsuit model’s DD tit. How about you?”
Starfish Ted: “Uh, I ate a tasty mollusc this morning, but that seems really lame by comparison.”
It took them nine weeks, but the ‘Cuse finally eclipsed 100 points. Thanks in large to Reggie Bush, Early Doucet, Damian Williams and Billy Cundiff. Not exactly a murderer’s row of fantasy stalwarts, but in 2011, you take what you can get. By virtue of the win, the Manah remain in a five-way tie for the fourth and final playoff spot, despite being the lowest scoring team in the league. As long as Bush, Turner and Witten keep producing, a run at the postseason isn’t nearly as remote as it seemed a month ago.
The Lindsay Lohan Disasters of the Week
Indiana Obesities (58.5 points) – I’ve been racking my useless knowledge infused brain for months trying to peg who or what Lindsay Lohan’s latest incarnation resembled. Over the weekend it hit me. It’s Sil the alien from the movie Species. Sunken eyes, dead hair, giant breasts, voracious desire to mate with anything that moves. That’s what I call a spittin’ image. By the way, Lindsay’s Playboy shoot “strategically covered up” her naughty bits. Boo! When is this firecrotched idiot going to ditch the self-respect and realize nobody wants to see her tastefully photographed? Then again, her punch-drunk vagina probably looks like an M-80 exploded inside a package of bologna.
Tough week for the Fatasses. Cam Newton’s by week fill-in Eli Manning was the only one to score in double-digits. The backfield of Bean Wells and Chris Og$&*ay*@! totaled a pathetic 7.4 points and Roddy White once again came up small. Might be time to give Ben Tate a shot. Without Andre Johnson, the Texans are running the ball down opponents’ gullets with extreme prejudice. Indiana is still sitting pretty in the race for the playoffs, so there’s no reason to panic. Yet.
If Week 7 of the NFL season resembled a slasher flick then Week 8 leaned more toward the supernatural. Think Poltergeist rather than Nightmare on Elm Street. Strange noises went bump in the afternoon, chairs mysteriously slid across floors and toy clown dolls came to life with intent to commit murder. Bottom line: it was one of those weird Sundays.
How weird was it? Well, the Saints were haunted by the ghastly Rams, the Bills defense pitched a ghostly shutout, the frighteningly dysfunctional Eagles looked like a real team and Tom Brady was scared poopless by the monstrous Steelers defense.
Want more spooks and scares? Sure you do. Reggie Bush rushed for over 100 yards (*gasp*), the 49ers completed passes to an offensive lineman and a nose tackle (*gulp*) and Tarvaris Jackson threw for a career high 323 yards (*faints*). It was all tricks and very few treats, kinda like those jackass neighbors who hand out apples and toothbrushes on Halloween. BOOOOO!!!!
Even more eerie were some of the players populating Gulfman League lineups in Week 8. Due to a glut of injuries and those pain in the rump byes, the following fools heard their name called: Roy Helu, Keiland Williams, Dexter McCluster, Michael Jenkins, LaRod Stephens-Howling, Davone Bess, Delone Carter and Damian Williams. Ugh.
It was downright apocalyptic, right Ghostbusters?
Mass hysteria indeed. As for my flaming bag of dog turd fantasy team? Losers of six straight and decimated by injuries, they are donezo. Alas, poor Savage! I knew him…
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Behold, bullet points!
As awful as Quarterback Jesus was on Sunday, he still outscored Tom Brady, Drew Brees and Tony Romo. Ain’t fantasy football grand?
Which quarterback has thrown the most interceptions? Philip Rivers. How many quarterbacks have thrown more than Rivers’ seven touchdown passes? 22, including Kyle Orton, Alex Smith, Andy Dalton and Colt McCoy.
Only two running backs have netted double-digit points in every game: LeSean McCoy and Fred Jackson.
Prior to Sunday, the last time Steven Jackson rushed for two touchdowns was December of 2008. Thanks for picking this week to go off, Steve. Asshole.
Calvin Johnson has 11 scores. The next closest wide receiver/tight end has six.
Rookie A.J. Green has posted double-digit points in all but one game. Reggie Wayne has posted double-digit points in only one game.
Tight end A has 11 catches for 136 yards and two touchdowns in his last two starts. Tight end B has five catches for 35 yards and zero touchdowns in his last two starts. Tight end A is Brent Celek. Tight end B is Vernon Davis.
Joel Dreessen and Scott Chandler have combined for nine TDs. Marcedes Lewis and Zach Miller have combined for zero.
The Excuses and Hartstoppers face-off this week in the fantasy brouhaha of the year. No AP for the Lame ones and no Stafford for the Stoppers. Strap in, folks.
The Kate Beckinsale Wonders of the Week
Blind Monkeys (91.6 points) - If we’re to believe Wikipedia (and why wouldn’t we?), Kate doesn’t drink but loves to smoke. She speaks Russian, but only to her bikini-waxer. She was anorexic as a teenager, suffers from stomach ulcers and hates wearing knickers (nice). Her middle name is Bailey. She stars in the Total Recall remake playing the Sharon Stone role from the original. Reportedly has an IQ of 152. Once killed a man with a claw hammer just to watch him die. Loves French food. Hates dolphins. Okay, I made up that last one.
The visually impaired knuckle draggers make the grade this week for climbing back to .500 and for utilizing the waiver wire to near perfection. Antonio Gates, DeMarco Murray, Jackie Battle and Eric Decker have all been plucked from the scrap heap. Having Shady McCoy helps, but considering Reggie Wayne and The Law Firm are circling bust status, and Dez Bryant, Felix Jones and Hakeem Nicks get hurt sneezing, the Monkeys are fortunate to be sitting in the fourth seed. They’re like a short, scrappy, white wide receiver with a high motor and strong work ethic.
Speaking of scrappy white wideouts, Julian Edelman was charged today with indecent assault and battery after fondling a woman at a Halloween party on Monday night.
C’mon, he was obviously under the influence. He can’t be held accountable for groping some chick’s ass and/or crotch. It’s her fault for wearing a Sexy Nurse getup. Besides, Edelman was dressed as Drunken Frat Guy Guilty of Date Rape. If anything, he should be given a prize for Best Costume.
The Sarah Jessica Parker Disasters of the Week
Lordosis Rex (67.7 points) – Was Sarah Jessica Parker ever hot? I think she might have been doable around the time of LA Story, but that was 20 years ago. Since then she has slowly morphed into a thoroughbred. Fans of bestiality and professional jockeys probably think she’s a real catch, but those of us who prefer feminine over equine characteristics are offended by Hollywood’s false promotion of her as sexy and desirable. Get this bitch a one-way ticket to the nearest glue factory.
Rex is getting singled out for one reason and one reason alone: Chris Johnson. CJ is the living, breathing definition of a flop. One touchdown and 302 yards rushing in seven games? To put that ineptitude in perspective, DeMarco Murray has 327 yards in the last two games. What. The. Fuck. Johnson is a bleeding hemorrhoid on the asshole of fantasy football. He deserves to have the soles of his stupid feet smashed with a hot poker.
Toss ‘em on the Dung Heap
The following bozos should be dropped or benched:
DeAngelo Williams – Why again did the Panthers pay him $43 million? I mean, they don’t even use the guy. He’s scored less than eight fantasy points in six of eight games. It’s not as if he sucks, because he’s averaging 4.8 yards per carry. Nevertheless, he’s third on the depth chart behind Cam and J-Stew.
Peyton Manning – This goes without saying, but Manning won’t play in 2011. The Colts are hurtling toward the 0-16 abyss without a parachute.
All Redskins running backs – Torain? Helu? Choice? They’d be better off bringing back Clinton Portis.
Denarius Moore – Less than one point in three straight. DHB emerging. Houshmandzadeh signed. It’s not looking good for the speedy rook.
Jermichael Finley – Too many proverbial mouths to feed in Packer land. Remove Finley’s Week 3 26.5-point explosion, he’s been dreadful.
Dustin Keller – Hasn’t scored in double-digits since Week 2. His quarterback is Mark Sanchez. That is all.
Bloodbath. That’s the word I’d use to describe Week 7 of the 2011 NFL season. It was like watching an old school horror flick chock-full of grisly decapitations and buckets of oozing viscera. Halloween struck a week early. It was as if Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, Freddy Kruger and Jigsaw descended all at once upon stadiums throughout the league hacking and slashing their way in a frenzied pitch, leaving nothing but a crimson swath riddled with chunks of shredded flesh and scattered bone fragments.
A line of battered bodies limped away writhing in pain, a rookie running back entered Dallas Cowboys lore and the Manningless Colts were victims of one of the most vicious pigskin pillagings I have ever witnessed. Sunday night’s episode of The Walking Dead was less horrifying. Many a fantasy owner was left cowering in stunned disbelief, reciting the immortal words of Private William Hudson from the sci-fi masterpiece, Aliens.
Oh, it happened alright. I became so enraged, so overcome by bitterness, so distraught by the turn of events, I couldn’t help but channel my inner Ron Burgundy as my girlfriend passed in front of the television, humming what I’m certain was a mocking tune.
God damn right it’s science. I read it in a scholarly journal, or maybe it was a Burger King bathroom stall. I forget. All I know is it’s a proven fact. Anyway, she just laughed and called me a dipshit, which is what smelly pirate hookers do rather than empathize with their boyfriends’ fantasy football woes.
If you were lucky enough to escape Week 7′s wrath unscathed, fuck you and your abundance of good fortune. May the fantasy gods smite you with thunderbolts and lightning, very, very frightening me. I loathe those untouched by catastrophic injury, unless of course it’s me.
Welcome to the Terrordome — Matt Stafford, Darren McFadden, Earnest Graham, Tim Hightower, Willis McGahee, Santana Moss, Beanie Wells, Marshawn Lynch and Percy Harvin. Enjoy the accommodations.
Big ups to the Colts, Ravens, Broncos, Raiders, Browns, Seahawks, Titans, Jaguars and Dolphins for taking offensive football back to the Mesozoic era. A tip of the hat to Charlie Whitehurst, Curtis Painter, Blaine Gabbert, Joe Flacco, Matt Cassel, Kyler Boller, Carson Palmer and Quarterback Jesus (for three quarters) for spraying diarrhea up and down the field. And a bow and curtsey to the Rams and Colts defenses for putting forth the absolute minimal effort in allowing a combined 96 points and 1002 yards.
You gotta love sports!
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Behold, bullet points!
There’s something wrong with Philip Rivers. I have no idea what it is, but the guy isn’t passing the eyeball test. I mean, when Mark Sanchez outplays you, there’s a definite problem.
In his first three starts, Matt Stafford averaged 25.3 fantasy points. In his last four, he’s averaged 17.1 points.
Quick, which running back leads the Gulfman League in scoring? If you said Matt Forte, slap a gold star on your forehead. I hope he tells the Bears to go screw and signs with the Lions this offseason.
Chris Johnson has three runs over ten yards. He had 37 in 2010. But it’s not his fault — just ask him.
Darren Sproles has scored 30 more fantasy points than Rashard Mendenhall.
Steve Smith has 818 yards in seven games. He had 554 yards in 14 games last season. 982 in 15 games two seasons ago.
Pierre Garcon ranks 7th in wide receiver scoring. Reggie Wayne ranks 30th.
Darrius Heyward-Bey averaged 11.1 points in the last four games. Vincent Jackson averaged 7.
Jermichael Finley has scored less than 8 points in six of seven starts. Jimmy Graham has scored less than 8 points once.
Now is the time at Stud Running Back when we exploit chicks for being hot and/or slutty. It’s childish and boorish and totally sends the wrong message to impressionable young girls, which is precisely why we do it.
The Minka Kelly Wonders of the Week
The Negotiators (125 points) – It’s been a rough year for Minka. Friday Night Lights ended its run, Derek Jeter gave her the ol’ heave-ho and Charlie’s Angels was cancelled after four episodes. She’s in need of some consoling. Well, it just so happens I have a spare soundproof crawl space in my apartment with her name scribbled in blood all over it. It’s a tad cramped and entirely devoid of sunlight, but rent is free and the exterior double cylinder dead bolt will provide her the necessary privacy to repair her wounded ego and fractured emotions. She can yell and scream and sob all she wants without fear of disturbing the neighbors. It’s a win-win for both of us.
The law firm of Rodgers, Foster, Smith and Crosby presented an ironclad case on Sunday, crushing the ‘Cuse by 66.5 points. It was a massacre of Biblical proportions. How Biblical? If they had started just Foster and Crosby, they still would’ve won. Jeebus! This type of brutal ass-kicking is worthy of praise, but it still doesn’t make up for the inexcusably ridiculous decision to DROP Antonio Gates when Chad Ochozero was rotting on the bench. That’s the opposite of shrewd. It’s, what’s the word I’m looking for? Oh yeah, moronic. The only time you dump a player of Gates’ caliber is if he’s 100% ruled out for the season. If The Negotiators ever stop being dumb, they have a chance to inflict some serious damage.
The Lindsay Lohan Disasters of the Week
Walker’s Talkers (46.3 points) – Ms. Lohan makes a triumphant return to SRB for two reasons: 1) she was incarcerated again for failing to complete the required number of community service hours, and 2) she posed naked for Playboy last weekend and was paid between $750,000 and $1,000,000. Good call, Playboy. I hope the airbrush department gets overtime because correcting all the flaws on Lindsay’s emaciated, pasty, riddled with STDs and pumped full of collagen and Botox body is a thankless chore. Too bad she didn’t lose her self-respect five years ago. Then we could’ve been treated to her pre-meth addict hotness in all its glory. Rats!
The Blabbers are learning the hard way that relying on Redskins to win in fantasy football is a foolish endeavor. Ryan Torain was a big fat zilch and Santana Moss broke a paw that will keep him sidelined over a month. Percy Harvin is still useless and LeGarrette Blount has yet to heal from a bum knee. Vick and Gore return in Week 8, adding a much-needed boost, but the red-hot Obesities are next on the schedule. Despite their problems, the Talkers are tied for the final playoff spot at the half-way point in the fake regular season.
The World According to Shanahan
Mike Shanahan is a curmudgeonly jizzbag clinging to a bygone reputation that labeled him a “genius” due in large to the exploits of John Elway and Terrell Davis. It’s no secret Shanny despises fantasy football. I’ve never actually heard him declare this publicly but based on the way he handles his backfields, it’s clear the beet-faced shitbird wants nothing to do with one of the key demographics responsible for transforming the NFL into the billion-dollar international cash cow it is today. The same cash cow that pays his bloated $7 million per year salary. Yeah, a fucktard who hasn’t sniffed the playoffs since 2005 makes that kinda bank. The hell with Wall Street, we should be occupying Dan Snyder’s office.
I digress. Besides fantasy football, there’s a whole bunch of stuff Shanny hates just as much if not more. Like for instance:
Rainbows – Too gay.
Live music – Too noisy.
Backyard barbeques – Unless he’s on the grill.
A summer breeze – Not harsh enough. Prefers biting cold wind.
Sunsets – Again, gay.
Ice cream – Too soft. Prefers chewing on ice cubes.
Christmas morning – The opening of gifts takes time away from him devising new ways to fuck fantasy owners.
Rom-coms – Sappy… and gay. (Tough to argue with him on this one.)
The War in Afghanistan – Has gone on too long. Just like his coaching career.
Adrian Peterson – Touches the ball way too much.
Walks on the beach – I think ya know.
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Week 7 is mercifully in the rearview mirror. Have yourself a spooktacular Halloween.
What in Sam Hill is going on in the Gulfman League this season? Seven 2-4 teams? Only three winning records? The Lame Excuses undefeated? It’s Fantasy Football Bizarro World and I for one am flummoxed. Left is right, up is down, ugly is pretty, putrid is sweet. What to make of this calamity? It’s too easy to blame all us owners for awful drafting and coaching, so I’m pointing the finger of blame squarely at the NFL.
I blame assholes like Chris Johnson and DeAngelo Williams for shitting the sheets after signing lucrative contract extensions. I blame belong-in-the-UFL quarterbacks like Rex Grossman, Kevin Kolb, Alex Smith and Tarvaris Jackson. I blame overrated coaches like Rex Ryan and Mike Smith.
I blame hamstring pulls, high ankle sprains and shredded ACLs. I blame Peyton Manning’s fused neck. I blame weaklings like Felix Jones, Percy Harvin and Joseph Addai for never, ever, ever staying healthy.
I blame stupid organizations like the Jaguars, Bears, 49ers and Rams for refusing to draft quality pass catchers. I blame “geniuses” like Mike McCarthy, Mike Shanahan, Gary Kubiak and Sean Payton for rotating running backs on a whim. I blame a slew of false-start and holding penalties.
I blame the Jets for perpetuating the myth a bozo like Mark Sanchez is a starting quarterback. I blame the Miami Dolphins for not drafting a quarterback in the first-round since Dan Marino retired in 1999. I blame the Minnesota Vikings for continually marching out washed-up has-beens at quarterback.
But most of all I blame fantasy football for placing head-to-head records above total points scored. It makes zero sense.
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Cam Newton has six rushing touchdowns in six games. Mike Vick has zero.
Philip Rivers has six passing touchdowns in five games. Alex Smith and Colt McCoy both have eight.
Fred Jackson has scored over 22 points four times. Rashard Mendenhall has scored over 22 points zero times.
Frank Gore has 60.8 points in the last three weeks. Maurice Jones-Drew has 33.6.
Wes Welker has been targeted 75 times in six games. Santonio Holmes has been targeted 38 times in six games.
Steve Smith is averaging 21.1 yards per catch. Roddy White is averaging 11.0 yards per catch.
Jimmy Graham has 620 yards receiving in six games. Jermichael Finley has 321. Vernon Davis has 271. Dallas Clark has 189.
The Lame Excuses have the 8th ranked quarterback in scoring but lead the points standings by 77. Insert ‘quarterbacks are overvalued’ rant here.
Now is the time at Stud Running Back when we exploit chicks for being hot and/or slutty. It’s childish and boorish and totally sends the wrong message to impressionable young girls, which is precisely why we do it.
The Stacy Keibler Wonders of the Week
Indiana Obesities (112.2 points) – George Clooney gets it. He’s a massive Hollywood star/accomplished director with a fat bank account and enviable hairline. He owns a mansion is Los Angeles and a villa in Italy. He’s an Oscar winner. He once had a dog that died from a rattlesnake bite. He’s been trashed on South Park and laughed about it later. And he’s single. To wit, he bangs nothing but gorgeous models without the threat of losing half his earnings in a bitter public divorce settlement. His latest conquest is former WWE diva Stacy Keibler and her ample derriere. I bow to George Clooney.
The rotund Midwesterners finally got production from the underachieving backfield of Bradshaw and Mendenhall. The duo netted half of the weekly total and made up for another lackluster performance from Roddy White. Cam Newton salvaged a poor passing effort with a rushing touchdown and Aaron Hernandez once again padded his draft day steal status. However, it could be rough sailing for the overeaters in Week 7. Bradshaw, Stevie Johnson and Hernandez are all on a bye. Good luck with that.
The Chaz Bono Disasters of the Week
Steelcats (42.7 points) – What is Chaz Bono? Man? Woman? She-Beast? Bearded tranny? Sons of Anarchy extra? Sexually confused monstrosity desperate for attention from celebrity mommy? Whatever he, she or it is matters little in the grand scheme of things. Once the media finds another freak to fawn over, Chaz will retire to the D-list trailer park with a lifetime supply of disposable razors and wife-beaters, waiting by the phone for Celebrity Fit Club to call.
Yikes, this was ghastly. The ‘Cats lost Jason Campbell in the first half to a snapped collarbone, got a big fat zip from Timmy Hightower and due to injuries/byes were forced to start Bernard Scott and Kevin Walter. The result was the lowest point total in the Gulfman League season thus far. Ouch. The backfield is a mess, Andre Johnson is still hurt and Philip Rivers is playing like Philip Driedupcreekbed. Bowe and Fitzy return this week which should help. Unfortunately, the Hartstoppers are next on the schedule.
Toss ‘em on the Dung Heap
The following clods should be benched or dropped.
Mike Williams (Bucs) – He was targeted 13 times in Week 6 but managed only six catches for 59 yards. He’s scored only once. I smell the second coming of Michael Clayton.
Green Bay running backs – Fuck you, Mike McCarthy. I hope you and your multiple Super Bowl rings burn in Hell after you die.
Tim Hightower (Redskins) – See above — just switch out McCarthy with Shanahan.
Peyton Hillis (Browns) – Screw the Madden Curse. This guy just isn’t very good.
All Saints pass catchers not named Graham or Colston – Sure, Moore, Meachem and Henderson will all have big games in the future. Good luck guessing when that will be.
Reggie Bush (Dolphins) – He finally showed signs of life on Monday night then promptly got hurt. He’s garbage.
Plaxico Burress (Jets) – And I thought Randy Moss ran lazy routes.
Chad Johnson (?) – The Patriots media guide says Chad is on the roster, but you wouldn’t know that if you watched any of their games. He’s like Keyser Soze.
